Insomnia by any other name is a b@#ch'

1.58am,  it's bedtime.
I've dragged myself from the tv in an honest attempt at a routine. A decent routine. Like normal working folks. Was yawning like crazy just minutes ago.

Having heaved myself into bed with great hope of sweet slumber, it now eludes me like a thief in the night ... i'm left wide -eyed and staring at a distant light outside my window ( suspect it's the neighbor's night light though I was kinda hoping it was the moon or something more profound).  Guess the mug of hot cocoa didn't do the trick. 3 nights in a row. It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. If that's the case then maybe I'm just loco for my cocoa. (Hee, always wanted to say something like that)

Speaking of which, here's a neat trick for those of you not-so-caffeine-sensitive people out there looking for a comforting night cap sans the sugar, carbs and calories. Get some cocoa powder, add boiling water, pop in your fav no cal sweetener, a dash of milk and voilà- a true hug in a mug that's easy on the waistline. Seriously, one taste of this baby and you'll throw out the super-carbed Milo and Ovaltine along with the guilt of nighttime sugary treats.


Back to insomnia. Sleep has been eluding me a few days now. Looks like a pattern's brewing here folks. Yup, guilt has reared its ugly head. From not having a  'purpose' or 'life- direction' yet. (Sounds more important when you say things with inverted commas, I've been told).


I'm not giving in completely of course but just so my cells dont feel like they're aging for no apparent 'purpose' whatsoever but to exist I'm attempting some semblance of a routine. Some level of that all important productivity. Not the best routine but a routine nevertheless. A sense of order as it were.

Wake up brush teeth make coffee watch food network make brunch watch food network check emails watch food network post a blog ( pretty productive stuff dontcha think?) watch food network do craig ballantyne's buff dudes and hot chicks workout ( yes, really ) make linner ( that's lunch and dinner for you... see when you're not working like normal folks, mealtimes, and time in general, stop having any real meaning. .plus it's tons more economical both $$ and calorically-speaking AND there's one million less cooking paraphernalia to clean up)  watch hbo (uhoh watch out things are shaking up a bit here!), have cocoa (oh that wonderful chocolate hug in a mug!), big yawn brush teeth drag self to bed.

Then. 

Insomnia. Sigh.

And the day was looking pretty good too.

So what's keeping me up? Hell, what keeps us all up at night? What are these thoughts that keep clanging away like visual noise in the back of my mind just when I'm looking for serenity in the dark of night? A moment of peace. Seems like everything just gets a little bit louder at night doesn't it? The snoring partner, the farting dog.... Those I can deal with but the noise in the head... That's a different ball game altogether. 
And of course, discounting those freak bad-decision nights when I've watched a horror flick by mistake or driven by a perverse, twisted interest in how the movie ends... when my nights feel so like this-

The poor guy.  I can so relate. Thank God it's just a drawing.

The Bed

I love my bed. 


Don't you love your bed? 


How many people motivate themselves through the day saying "whoo hoo, just another 7.5 hours before i get home and back into bed!!!"  C'mon, you've got to love your bed right?? 


Well i sure do!


The way it hugs my body and changes to adapt to my weight. A truly wonderful thing. The soft cool sheets caressing every fibre of my body, lulling my being into a sense of contentment. Soft pillows cradling my weary head as I float away from consciousness.  When that happens, of course. (not on nights like this, hrrmph)


Did i say i love my bed? 


Giving comfort and support and allowing for much needed rest.  I love going to bed. Don't you? I think it's not just a need, it's sublime pleasure. Sleep gives us rest, yes, respite from the nagging spouse, demanding workplace, for sure, but best of all its the cheapest vacation from reality you'll ever take. Isn't that amazing? Some people say "oh just sleep 6 hours" or some nonsense like that cause sleeping any more than that means you're losing out on life. 


 Hogwash, i say.






Isn't sleeping, and enjoying it, a big part of living? Why do we rush in and out of sleep, just like we rush in and out of our day? Of the things we do everyday, always in an attempt to make more time for - guess what- even more things to do! Why is it so important that we have to 'live life to the fullest' or 'make the most of the day' or follow a whole bunch of other  inane expressions barked at us by every possible two-bit motivation speaker? Is it not worth it to stop, take a step back, enjoy the moment without doing anything? Or have a loooong restful sleep filled with dreams concocted by one's creative consciousness  without the interference of the outside world, without having to count the hours? 



You know what, I'd like to know what people think. If you're inclined to comment, i'm listening folks. 








Meanwhile, i'll try to get me some shut eye. 

Hey I ain't fat... i'm PHAT, baby!

Right. So here's another thing i'm obsessed with. Pretty much on a daily basis, i tell ya.


I bet there are people out there who shriek at the word 'diet'. Hell, I shriek at the word diet. But, unfortunately, I fall prey to the latest and the loudest trends out there quite regularly, always in the hope of achieving that ever-elusive svelte figure that we're told we should have. Being told I am 'Rubenesque*' by a would- be-suitor only sends me screaming in the other direction and into the open arms of another diet solution email....  Low calorie, low carb, low fat, cheat your way thin, cabbage soup, 6 meals a day, eat then don't eat...got my claws on every promising thing that came my way and tried them all. With varying degrees of success. Of course, that's just during the diet. What happens after is a whole other blog waiting to explode.




This obsession to look good is blatant amongst women, right? Even skinny girls call themselves fat and obsess over every morsel of food that goes past their lips saying 'choo! choo! that's got a one-way train ticket to my thighs!"


I mean c'mon, men, they don't really care what they look like. Maybe that's on account of the fake-o  mirror they've got propped up against the bedroom wall telling them all sorts of lies about how good they look. (Oh wait. That's my  mirror. Sorry, my bad.)


Or maybe it's simply intrinsic. A case of an ego inflated so big they just cant look at themselves with real honesty. Or their mamas brought them up with such high self-esteem that looks don't matter. Or maybe...just maybe...they really just don't care. So what if your belly flops over your belt, or if your underwear is the size of a wind sail...who cares, right? 


Geez, how i  wish i could be just like that. Wouldn't that be great, ladies? To just not care if the side profile of your ass looks like a heavy reflection of the letter P? Or how it blocks out the sun when you bend over? Or if your thighs are going to start a fire with every step you take? Or worse still, how they spread out with a vengeance over a teeny tiny high chair in a chic night club to the point that you're falling out of the seat despite attempts to hang on desperately while looking sexy? (skinny girls, you wouldn't know what i'm talkin about here)


What a liberation that would be.That's the new women's lib, i tell you.


Why can't we just face the fact that we are the way god intended us to be? Or maybe, god made us slightly deficient (and by us i mean me), armed with half a brain, the ability to read, internet access, supportive parents and a deluge of diet and exercise solutions so that we can take the 70-90 lease-hold years we've been given to mould our bodies the way we'd like it. Hmm. And along the way, god puts these stab-worthy pictures of physical perfection in our paths to let us know what we could have if we just ate right, worked out and all the rest of it. (God, if you're reading, i've been there, done that,and ain't getting nowhere anytime soon.) 


Or maybe, god's just saying we're all equal. No one's better than the other. Just different. And difference offers variety, keeps things interesting. And we should embrace that. Now there's a thought for ya. Sure, we've heard this mantra before but wait a minute, let's get all Nancy Drew on it for a moment and dig a little deeper.


Imagine a world where everyone was stick thin. (Okay okay i'm grossly exaggerating and obviously demonstrating some hint of sour grapes with that narrow description, i admit..) Okay imagine a world where everyone was slim and fit, carrying on with their lives with a happy, perky gait (since there's nothing to weigh them down ...) . There would be absolutely nothing that's immediately obvious to differentiate one person from another, except of course the colour of your eyes, hair, skin etc etc ...but those are things one can manipulate very quickly to achieve a desired outcome. Bottom line is, everyone's the same size and shape, pretty much. 


What's interesting about this picture?
Nothing much, really. 


When you have only good looks all around you, how do you differentiate from the bad? Will good be considered good per se, or will there be varying levels of good...since we humans simply need to differentiate? If there's anything i've learnt in life, it's that you appreciate the good mostly when there's bad in the picture.


Imagine having to describe a person in a conversation. Slim and fat wouldn't be antonyms in the dictionary, i tell you. You wouldn't be able to find the phrase 'pleasantly plump' either.


Ok, you're wondering , where's your point Papitse? Well, as usual, my rants are not pointed. 


However, here's a word to thin people out there. 


Fat people are harder on themselves. And on other fat people. So there's no need for you to be hard on them. 


They (and by they, i mean me) struggle with self image on a day to day basis. And work very hard to get thinner, healthier ...and everything else they've been told they should be. And along the way they've paved the way  for a multi-billion dollar diet, weight loss and fitness industry world wide, stimulating your economy in more ways than one, let me assure you. Not to mention the entire cereal industry. (That's another rant for another day)


I could go on and on with this. But here's the bottom line..again...we fat people have an important role to play in the world and we're important regardless of which spectrum of the scale we decide to sit on. We're more than our bodies, our physical manifestations. We are people, we contribute to society, we live life, have love in our lives, and make a difference in many different ways. We are souls who just happen to be carried around in a portly vehicle of flesh. If we spend 80% of our lives obsessed with the way we look, that's 72 years out of a 90 year expectancy (which is not the average, if you know what i mean...) - leaving very little time for enjoying life's wonderful pleasures. 


While i'm not condoning obesity (hell no!) and wholeheartedly support  people who make a strong decision to take charge of their lives and use the tools god's given to better themselves in any way, be it physically,physiologically, intellectually, mentally, financially etc , i also cheer on those who just want to take a chill pill and enjoy their lives and bodies just as they are. 


Let me know what you think. Comments, anyone?

* Rubenesque refers to fat, hearty, curvy female forms as depicted by Peter Paul Rubens the 16th Century Flemish painter...and really, by every other painter in that age. Guess they liked their girls phat.True story.

A new saga begins..

The Daily Rant is finally here!


I decided to start the daily rant on the advice of a good friend who suggested that i should see if my thoughts would strike a chord with others out there, since "...you have so much to say about everything that's not immediately important.." .That advice came a great many weeks ago but of course, as with all other non-work-slash-income-generating projects, it ended up right down there with cleaning the toilet in my urgent must-do list. 


So having cleaned the darned toilet, this was the next natural step.


In TDR, i'll be talking about anything and everything, really, that occurs to me. 


See, i'm going through a transition period since leaving my job with a company i've been with for over a decade, in the hopes of starting anew. With fresh (and stale) dreams and aspirations of finding out who i truly am, what i'm good at, what's my purpose in life, what i'm meant to really do here on god's beautiful earth, before my time runs out...hopefully in the very,very far non-forseeable future.


So hang on to your seats folks as we rev up the rant!


Time


The most elusive of precious resources available to man. It can be taken away from you at a moment's notice. Or without notice. The more you hunt for it the more it gets out of reach, doesn't it?


I've chosen to start my rant with the idea of time, cause it's become an obsession of sorts lately.


It's always amazing what happens when one searches for purpose and time, both invariably end up being scarcer and scarcer. It's been 2 months since I left work, and I still feel like there isn't enough time in the day. Nor am I better enlightened about my own purpose in life. Empty pockets of time get filled with relatively unimportant day to day tasks, and the day gets shorter and shorter.



Something I've learnt about time, time and time again ( pardon the pun) is that you don't get more time no matter what you do. It just gets more of you. Eats you up like a horrible cavernous big black hole in space. Becomes an addiction of sorts. The more you think you have time the more you want of it. Crave it. Need it. Pine for it. Put aside your life for the sake of having more of it. Or tell yourself you're giving your life 'more time'. Let's face it folks. There will never be enough time. Not for sleep, not for play, not for that all-important project you're working on or to anonymously assassinate the person sitting in that big-shot job position you've been eyeing.

Nope. You have to do what you can, now. This is all the time you'll ever have, right now. Make the most of it. And do it with no regrets. If you'll choose to spend the next hour reading, enjoy it. Just don't suffer the ensuing 'oh I should've done my house chores instead ' dissonance later. Enjoy it and appreciate every moment, whatever it entails. Begrudge it and all you'll feel is hollow, emptier and lost. Like something's been taken away from you. And the fact is, YOU have taken it away from yourself. This wisdom is within all of us. And yet our lives are consumed with regrets. Sure, go ahead, beat yourself up about how you used your time badly, have that pity party or self-loathing you think you deserve. But didn't you just lose another two days grieving? There you go. More time. Just plain lost. 


A wise friend once said, and then repeated this mantra for good measure, "if we make the wrong meal choice now, we'll just be better informed for the next time". So no need for the almost certain ensuing self-beating statements of 'oh I knew I should have ordered the chicken instead of the fish, now dinner is ruined! " . Do you know the post-dinner cognitive dissonance (or post-anything regretted) we often display could just be the worst part of the event itself? What's worse is, we would have ruined more than one person's dinner, and guess what, eaten up more time!


Point to ponder.. Moral of the story - stop harping on the coulda,shoulda, wouldas and get on with it. 


Expectations
My days are filled with laziness. The desire to do absolutely nothing. And a privileged ...or is it misplaced...sense of right to that desire.


Why then this inescapable feeling of guilt? Don't I deserve a prolonged period of self-indulgence with no real need to achieve anything? It's amazing sometimes what we put ourselves through on a daily basis. Usually it's from the unshakeable feeling that we owe something to someone else. That somehow, somewhere, someone's expectation of us must be met, whatever it is. So there's no real time to just chill, relax and take the day as it comes. 


Sure, you need a holiday, go ahead and take one, take as much time as you need, that's what everyone would say. But bottom line is, once that period of inactivity extends beyond what is considered an acceptable period, expectations begin to loom again, followed by the need to meet them. Why? To have a sense of worthiness in one's self? So I feel like a useful member of community, family, business and what have you? Is this not my life? To do with as I please? What happened to that expectation? So what if I'm in a funk of lethargy and malaise? Surely that's a sign of much needed me-time which just needs to run it's course before I find my true inclinations once again? Surely this won't last forever so there's no need to rush things, to deliver on other people's expectations? Or have that stupid sense of guilt for not being the so-called- best I can be? 


Or maybe...these are nobody's expectations but my own. Self-imposed, with burning brand marks that light up in the back of my head every time i sleep in a little longer than usual. Which is everyday, apparently.


I reserve the absolute right to do what I want don't I? 


Okay, this rant has helped me come to a conclusion. 


Stop feeling guilty about it and enjoy the process.


Anyone out there who's feelin' this rant, holler!